Captain Underpants!

Every couple of months the search for a matching pair of socks for each of my children becomes to exhaustive and I surrender to the need to buy more.  They have become lost to the dryer, behind the crib, fallen out of the car at parks and they are never to return.  Somehow, it seems, we always do this trip as a family.  The socks and underpants excursion, if you will.

We landed at Target on the last trip we made.  I love Target.  When a friend tells me they are going and I am not, I almost always respond with,”Tell Target I said hello!”  So much good stuff in one place.  It’s a good thing we all ended up there together.  Or so I thought.

It was time for me to buy some new underwear too.  

I used to wear panties and thongs.  I still do occasionally.  I still have underwear left over from my last pregnancy that are at least passable.  If you wear thongs during your pregnancy, you are a greater woman than I.  As I stood in the aisle of Target pressed for time with my family, I saw these…


At first glance, with three children and one impatient husband in tow, they looked fine.  Low rise, cute patterns, colors and the right size. I tossed them in the cart and we left.  
I had no idea what I had done.

The next day I pulled open the package and put on my new chonies (ch-oh-nees, for those of you not from El Paso, TX) and was horrified.  I had unknowingly purchased granny undies! I ripped them off, which delighted my husband, and then found some cute panties that were a little faded.  Better faded cute panties than brand new granny undies, I always say.  

I took a closer look at the packaging and recognized my mistake.  I am going to break this down for you so that you never, ever make the same mistake. 
Fruit of the Loom.  
I have said enough.
Low Rise BRIEFS!! 
No where in any romantic movie, lurid book or sexy TV show has their ever been said the word brief.  Never does a woman say that she is going to slip into something sexy and she comes out wearing low rise briefs.  Do you know why? Because they are not sexy! 
100% Cotton * Label Free
These babies were built for comfort not speed.  I have never picked up a pair of panties and pondered the placement of the label or the fabric unless it would wreck an outfit with a massive pantyline crease.
False Advertising
Remember the blonde on the front of the package?  Her legs that go up to here, flat tummy and pretty smile.  You and I are not her. (Maybe you are but I am most definitely not) Low rise on a woman with long legs and a proportionate torso may actually be low rise.  On a woman who is barely 5’4″ with long legs and no torso to speak of they nearly reach my neck.  Not appropriate for even my highest waisted jeans.  I could’ve been one of those kids you see walking down the street with their belt buckle around their knees and boxers bared for the world to see.  I have never seen that on the cover of ELLE, have you?
Shopping with My Family
Never, in the history of parenting, has any mother been able to make ideal shopping choices when forced to shop with her children.  I don’t know why I thought shopping for under garments would be any different.  It is advisable to always shop for your clothes on your own, without distraction or time line.  Anyone seen my perfect world?  I have lost it…oh there it is, I left it six years ago in the hands of my first born.
Years ago I attended a Hearts at Home Conference and one of the speakers announced that every woman should have a pair of red lace panties to wear.  Whether your wearing sweats, a business suit or an apron, you can’t help but feel sexy wearing red lace panties.  I live by that idea.  As a woman, I move through the world more confidently when I feel beautiful.  

All of this talk about panties may have you thinking that I am searching too far outside of myself to find my inner beauty.  

psssh…whatever.

Many of us know, or have been told that we are beautiful in one way or another.  We have to line up those compliments and daily toss them at the stretch marks, hair growth or loss, boob changes, disappeared belly button and vericose veined truth of our bodies that have been made unrecognizable by time and children.  For those of you who maybe have not been told you are beautiful, let me be the first to say that you are. 
I take my inner beauty where I can find it.  It starts with my beautiful electric blue lace panties and ends with lip gloss. It’s the only way to survive with grace and confidence those situations that are humiliatingly honestly parenting.

 Can I get an AMEN! :)

*I should mention that the offending undies will be donated to charity.  I do feel a little guilty that another woman would need to wear them. I am crossing my fingers that they find a sweet grandmother to wear them with pride.  Maybe I will donate some new panties too.  Just to balance out the universe….

2 thoughts on “Captain Underpants!

  1. And, this my firends, is why I read blogs. Nothing left to say. Pure granny-panty Nirvanah.

    Once, my sister bought them in the same size as her jeans. The size 14s were the hit of the white elphant christmas exchange.

  2. Ha! Very funny! That's why I stay away from Walmart/Target type undergarments…or at least that's the excuse I give my husband for buying the costly ones!

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