Paul and I have been married for 6 years. We have been to marraige counseling 3 times. Once for each child. Every two years something shifts and we go back. This is not a rule, it’s just our trend thus far. We are not ashamed of it. In our determination to work through the worst of times, we are not blind to the observation that we are not handling our problems well.
Eventually, we stand before each other with shoulders shrugged and hands held out like a man emptying his pockets during a search. We have nothing else to add. All of the emotions, arguments, talking and date nights have been had and the issues are still not resolved. We both agree to call in the big guns, the marriage counselor and play therapist.
We need that second part because we can be very immature. :)
I recognize for many people this is an admission of failure. We can’t work through it ourselves. Why would anyone go and share all of those personal details with a stranger? There are also people who are just too proud to take the chance that a part of the problem may lie in them alone. Relationships are complicated but rarely is an issue one sided.
I am an epic failure. However, I am also allergic to defeat. Paul must be too because he’s still here fighting for our sweet spot.
I have heard people say that getting a divorce is the easy way out. I’m not sure. I have never been on that side of the coin and I am trying not to flip it over. I do know that being vulnerable enough to recognize your faults is painful. I also believe that vulnerability and self discovery is a part of the marital journey.
Paul and I have loved each other fiercely and on the other hand I have never wanted to punch somebody more. I feel the same way about all of my siblings, except my baby sister who is perfect in every way, and my parents.
I take that back. I have never wanted to punch my parents. I would never admit it if I did.
The point is that Paul is my family now and he gets no special treatment. Except for one thing. I chose him to become a part of my family. Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. My sources are legit on this one. (Lilo and Stitch).
Sometimes I feel like Mary and Martha. When I read those names for the first time on the cover of the book, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, I thought they were referring to Mary, the Mother of God and Martha Stewart. This Sunday, their story was a part of the reading and I immediately was struck by these words.
“Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” ~Luke 10:38-42
I am not a Bible scholar but my heart prayed that when we require more of each other in our marraiges, that it will not be taken from us. When we are willing to change ourselves for the better to serve our family, it will not be taken from us.
Marriage is more than what I was taught. Maybe it’s more than what I chose to believe. I don’t believe that my role in this marriage is subservience. I don’t believe my husband’s only role is to support and protect us. Our roles are to be defined by consideration and growth. The whole, wives submit to your husbands and husbands love your wives, has grown to have way too many intricacies to be quoted here. We will have to tackle that later. There is a balance to be struck.
Paul is unquestionably the rock my balloon is tied too. He is my safety and my ground zero. He keeps my dreamy, idealistic ways from letting me float off into oblivion. It is my ways that keep him from sinking to the bottom. Reality can be very heavy. When I feel like he is pulling me down too far and he feels like I am yanking him off the surface our balance needs to be corrected.
Marraige counseling helps to remind us that we are family. It reminds us that when we are able to realign our balance, we are a perfect fit.
P.S. If you want more information about the counseling services we use email me. I’d be happy to throw you a rope! :)