Have you ever felt lost, confused, inept?
Have you ever felt like your not yourself? Has food lost its flavor, sleep lost its restfulness and plans their joy? That’s how I have felt over the past two months. This may sound a little shocking to those of you who have been reading, watching and sharing my life with me. My circumstances have changed and my response has been one of shock and withdrawal.
Actually, my initial response is to rush around managing everything. I don’t know if you’ve met me but I can handle anything. Nothing is ever too big of a problem or takes a lot of time to complete. I am the worst kind of arrogant sometimes. I am delusional. My delusions typically serve me well because I am a problem solver. I move from problem to solution development within seconds. Rarely stopping to evaluate what happens in between.
I know you are all waiting for me to spill my guts here. I’m sorry. Today, there will be no great explanations. There will be no revelations of honesty that has become typical Tashmica fare. I wish I could divulge. I would probably feel much better for venting. Unfortunately, such venting would hurt more people than I am willing to. Discretion is also surprisingly typical Tashmica fare.
I will tell you that I was completely shutting down internally. The stress was causing me to pass up food and trade sleep for long nights of processing my situation to no avail. I have to say that my figure has not suffered. I have found stress to be the most powerful dieting aid evah! However, if you know me personally, you know that food and sleep are my two favorite things. More terrifying than saying pass to cheesecake, is my ability to pass on parenting. Many of you know that a woman with three children does not have the option to check out.
So I left. I flew the coup. I prayed for God to turn me into a bird, so I could fly, far, far away from here. I told my husband and my children that I just wanted to go home. I needed to be with people who knew me and loved me unconditionally. I needed to have real time. I needed time away from my business, my writing, my children and the perpetual plate spinning to deeply search my soul. I needed to put my fear back into the bottle with my crazy.
I ran to my hometown El Paso. I visited my old house, high school and best friends. I ate tons of food I hadn’t tasted in 10 years. I gazed up at the mountains from the bottom and down on the city from the top of the mountain. My brother made the insightful comment that the mountains were our major landmark to determine direction while navigating El Paso. I came home to find a landmark to determine the correct direction. I think I’ve found it.
This is not a Tyler Perry movie. Madea’s house doesn’t really exist. What does exist is my baby brothers who assure me that I’m going to be okay. My childhood best friends are not figments of my imagination. They are lovely women who have grown and matured on a separate path but still know the right things to say to make me hopeful. My youth counselor from church will still let me soak up three hours on her couch. My mother and father will still let me, at the age of thirty, climb up into bed between them and have a good cry. My sister, who is all of 16, tells me that everything has to work out for me. How could it not for such a good person?
For a full look at my trip, including my new tattoo, check out my Flickr Account.
I’m still not sure that everything is going to work out the way I want it to. I’m not. I wish I had a crystal ball. I don’t own one. I don’t even own a Magic 8 Ball for kicks and giggles. All I know how to do is keep moving. I’m rediscovering some personal boundaries and walking backwards down lifes’ road. This is a perfect way to fall down and bust ones’ ass. Unfortunately, it’s what I have to do now.
I hope for your sake, that my blog posts are less cryptic over time. I am hopeful that my openness will be able to return to both of us without any extraordinary consequences. I also hope that if any of you had your own delusions of my perfect little life, that they are exploding. No one has a perfect life. I think I have tried to stress my imperfections through this blog but lately, several people have referenced my “perfect life” and I threw up a little in my mouth. It made me want to stop writing my blog.
The point of this blog is not to make my life out to be some idyllic Stepford show.
Today I will go back to living my life with as little fear of the future as possible. I am human. Strong, independent and smart, able to scale meal plans with pots and pans, or whatever. I am, however, unable to control the outcome of my own circumstances right now. This idea of uncertainty flip-flops me between complete and utter panic and prayer and supplication.
If you think of it, say a prayer for me. If you don’t pray in a conventional sort of way, send me a shout out in the universe. My God hears everything and a girl can use all the help she can get while recreating her life.
Also, the Mother Flippin’ Blog has scheduled programming that will continue after today as regularly planned. So tomorrow is Monday and I have a list waiting to be shared.