I have been weighed, I have been measured and I have been found wanting.

I have been judged.  I have sat at a table and been talked over like a pretty centerpiece with no practical use.  The decisions were made without my testimony and the sentence passed.  I am sure that people have judged me silently while watching me live my life.  The awareness is what brings the sting.

When the gavel landed, I was indignant.  The pain made me rage at the injustice.  The filth of it covered me.  Over time, my pain subsided as I recognized that my anger would not change anything.  Even worse, giving forgiveness was unfair but nonetheless, my responsibility if I wanted to suck the poison out.

At first I didn’t want mercy. I didn’t want grace.  I did nothing wrong. 

Judge not, lest you be judged.

I think that this was not a threat from God.  It was a statement of the human condition.  In your life you will find yourself in many a varying situation…trial.  You will be judged and you will make judgements.  What we all need is to give grace to those we don’t agree with.  We need to extend mercy to those who make decisions we don’t understand. 

We need to stand at the church doors and call out the words, “sanctuary” on behalf of those too weak to do so themselves.

Forgiveness has not been given yet.  It will come because it is within me to give it. However, I do find it very interesting how much I have learned from this moment.  How I have learned that not one of us understands the fit of another’s shoes completely.  Even after walking a mile on a similar path, no one starts or ends in the same place. 

This is a lesson that will make me a kinder, more graceful old lady someday. 

I am grateful.  

One thought on “Wanting

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