I have totally punked out.  I realize that is not an eloquent start to this blog post but that is the truth.  On the Mother Flippin’ Fan Page, I posted a quote by Fulton Oursler to usher in the new year.

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future. ~Fulton Oursler

And then I proceeded to say….

Let 2010 be a year empty of regrets and fear as we discover the best in ourselves and others. Cheers ♥

Of course I meant 2011 but as usual the devil was in the details.
I am afraid of New Year’s Resolutions.  The word resolution is synonomous with failure in my mind.  They are the commitments we make on January 1st that we give up by January 15th.  I have not made one in years.  I set out with resolutions goals that are very vague and kind of loosey goosy for two reasons; to avoid failure and to avoid accountability. 
I started my year at a relaxingly decadent brunch with a few friends and aquaintances.  The question of resolutions was tossed around the room.  I nearly crawled under a chair.  I played a game of circumlocution where I danced around in circles like a circus bear trying to explain how my goals were different than resolutions.  At the end of our conversation, it was pointed out that resolutions have come to be viewed in a very pessimistic light by a very optimistic person.  
I, Tashmica Torok, commonly known as an incurable optimist, fire cracker of a woman is afraid that her resolutions will go unfulfilled and therefore will make her a failure.
Bottom line.  I don’t want to fail.    No matter how many fallen quiche posts I write or how I declare myself as an epic failure, I still squirm at the idea of failure.  After the fact I handle them with laughter and grace.  This is not about self deprecation.  I’m just pointing out for myself that in a year that I will not allowed to be ruled by fear, I should not start out fearing to make a simple list.
I am also painfully aware that I do not operate the same way as many people in the world do.  I have been suffering a bit of fear related to others passing judgement on me.  That is not an unrealistic fear considering current events.  I keep hearing in my head the whisperings of doubt in myself, my decisions and to be completely honest, it’s making me a little crazy. 
In an effort to shut off the voices, drive back the fear and plant my feet in a direction decided by my own heart, I am writing a list of the things I want to do this year.  This is not an exhaustive list.  It may change based on my whims.  It may be called resolutions, goals or a bucket list or something else completely.
It will be a fearless start because that is the kind of woman I want to be. 

Tashmica’s Fearless List of Things to Begin to Conquer
(Remember, life’s a journey) 

I intend to be agressively research and pursue freelance writing opportunities. As a part of that, I intend to practice my writing like a high school kid preparing for a game where the stands are filled with college scouts.

I do not want to be defined by my past acheivements or failures. I want to move from one adventure to the next based on what I want to do next. I am a people pleaser which means I will bend into the shape of a pretzel to meet the expectations of others. It’s a bad habit that needs to be broken now.

My interests have been piqued by Roller Derby. I am looking forward to learning the ropes as an NSO (Non Skating Official) for an upcoming event. Something about it makes me want to take part. I’m dipping a toe in.

My eldest son has had a difficult time learning to read. There is talk of some possible issues. We have some things to rule out. I also want to find creative ways for him and I to enjoy reading activities together.

I want to become a sacrificial giver. I want to give away more money to charity this year than I have ever given before.

I want to recognize those interests that I do not have as much as those that I do. I am ready to admit the person I am not so that I can enjoy the person that I am.

Quiero aprender a hablar espanol este ano. If you are one of my spanish speaking friends….care to skype? I’m going to need practice.

I definitely want to Ride for Refuge again this year.

I would like to sing more this year. Karaoke and maybe *gasp* an open mic night for old time sake. I do have guitar lessons lined up. It could totally happen.

I tend to be a bit of a calender failure. I want to do a better job of tracking our family activities. We use Cozi online as well as the iPhone app. I really have no excuse for missing any appointments with that much technology backing me up.

I am starting to ask questions about my father. I want to find out who he was and understand more about what that means for me. I’m thinking about writing a memoir.  If Justin Beiber can have one then why can’t I?

There it is. That is most of what I have been afraid to say out loud.  I’m sure I will add a few things over the next couple of weeks.  This will be a great start to a fearless year.

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