Keenly Aware

My children get on my nerves. When we are running late and I tell them to get in the car, they always find a stick, line of ants or snow pile that needs some attention right then. My two year old hates to have his diaper changed and tries to kick me in the throat for my need to protect him from diaper rash. My middle child clings when I most need him to let go. My oldest has my independent streak and it drives me bonkers.

And don’t get me started on the fighting!

My heart aches for them. I now work a forty hour work week and the ache in my heart is not figurative.

I miss them.

I have not made the transition easy on myself…or them. I have a tendency to be hyper focused and therefore a bit of a workaholic. I am supposed to work from home two days a week and I have not been able to do so consistently. I am also not good with waking up early. My husband has been taking the children to school which narrows my time with them even more. Add to all of that my other interests…

I am one guilty momma.

I never intended to be a working mother. It snuck up and bit me like the bullet that hit Forest Gump in the ass with our family business. It was an invoice here and a phone call there. Eventually, I was working all of the time and parenting/wife-ing in between. I suppose you could flip that over and it would mean the same thing.

During my quick on the job training as a self employed business owner I began to peek into the non profit world. First working to advocate as a member of the Genocide Intervention Network. Eventually, I joined the Board of the Michigan Darfur Coalition. I tossed around the idea of applying for a fellowship or going back to school for a degree in some sort of third world country development. Every time the ideas surfaced, a reason to delay covered them and pushed them under.

I love my job. (blah, blah, blah…here she goes again…)

However, I did look my husband in the eye and ask him if I was a selfish, horrible mother. To which he wisely said no and then recommended that I wake up early to spend more time with the children in the mornings.

My job has made me keenly aware of how precious my time with my children is. How my eldest wants me to watch his boring as hell video game just because. I notice how my middle is willing to dance with me in the kitchen any time I ask. I hang on the newly formed words of my two year old which tonight included an unreasonable amount of requests for more bacon. (as if it’s possible to request too much bacon)

Guilt is such a powerless feeling whereas awareness allows action and decisiveness. After a little introspection, I find that I am not one guilty momma but I am mother who is now keenly aware of what her priorities are.

My first priority is to ease that ache in my heart because my little darlings are carrying it too.

2 thoughts on “Keenly Aware

  1. Your first line totally got me. I am there. I know exactly what you mean.
    And I am thankful, that like you, I know how precious that time with them is. Good for you to lose the guilt & hang on to your priorities!

  2. Virtual crying and hugging. I miss you, and we were never more than aquaintances when we had the chance…silly us! What a beautifully reasoned understanding and conclusion. What a lucky, lucky family to have you as mommy and daddy to open your heart to a bigger idea, too.

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