Nearly a year ago, I spilled the beans on my childhood trauma. It was uncomfortable but when my emotions get the best of me I have to free them. So I did. Now the word is out and about.
I have always maintained the point of view that I did nothing wrong and so I should never be responsible for holding on to his secret. I survived and if anything, when I announce that I survived sexual abuse, trumpets should blast and confetti should fall from the ceiling. I am alive. I am a part of the walking wounded but that’s the most important part of my story. I recognize that I am a living force to be reckoned with and I am still walking.
That’s right. Me. Still walkin’.
It may not always be a victorious saunter. It may appear to be painful, slow or a lost wandering. I deal with my past as it comes. I dealt with it in the way that a child does when I was a child. I dealt with it again as a teenager…and again as a young adult…as a new mother….wife…thirty year old.
That sounds a little too simplified. It sounds like my past came up to me at a coffee shop, sat down and introduced itself with an itinerary of what issues we would deal with during this thrilling episode of The Dirty Girl Comes Clean. It’s never simple. It knocks me to the floor each time. It is like a surprise shoving from behind after which their is a standing over me. A gloating, a taunting about who I will never become because I am so damaged.
If you understand, my heart aches for you while my hand reaches out to pull you up. If you don’t understand *sigh* the gratefulness to God on your behalf leaves me speechless.
Now. What to do with this girl’s story that is now out and about.
This year Urban Mainstream Magazine is running a Child Abuse and Domestic Violence Campaign called Unveiled Tears that will be officially launched February 15th, 2011. I will be contributing to the campaign as a freelance writer sharing my experiences in support of the three main points of the campaign;
“To be Aware, To be inspired and To be an inspiration.”
I am not the only one who will be participating. There will be many voices and they are looking for more to help lift the heavy veil of silence.
The idea of purpose: “The actions we take today gives hope to children tomorrow.”
I have to be honest and say that I used to take much more pleasure in sharing when I thought that my healing would be complete someday. That delusion has now left me and I now realize that their will be major battles in a war that may last my entire life. In my most heroic moments <~~~enter major sarcastic tone here…I rage at God that I don’t want to be anyone’s lesson. I shouldn’t have to be. My childhood should have been mine. It should have been something unliftable by such a con artist.
*sigh* woulda, coulda, shoulda….My past was and is. There is no denying it, wallowing in it (all of the time…just sometimes on really bad day) and there is no reason to keep my hard won lessons to myself.
Well that won’t help anybody will it?