A Real Jerk

Two year olds are jerks.  Really.  Do you have one? 
They never know if they want to watch “Mouse” (Stewart Little) or “Manny” (Ice Age).  So you stand in front of the television that is supposed to grant you an hour and a half of heavenly peace and ask, “Mouse or Manny?”.  To which of course he responds, “Mouse!” until you go to put it in and then he screams, “NO! Manny!”
Until you go to put in Manny and he…..you do see where this is going right?
They also don’t really eat.  They pretend to want to eat so that they can smear pudding all over their tray, arms, sweatshirt and hair so that you will have to clean it up.  They fake hunger so that they can discreetly cover the dog with beef stew. That same dog will then climb up on the couch and lean, beef stew side on to your couch. You won’t notice until after the kids have gone to bed and you keep catching the subtle scent of beef stew while enjoying a good book on the couch and you think it’s you.  Eventually the dog gets up and leaves a stain not unlike the Soul Glo stain on Coming to America.
You want to be mad at the dog but you’re really just glad it wasn’t you as you start to clean the couch cushion.
They will also attempt to pile drive your older children while you are trying to read to them, use your refrigerator door water dispenser like an indoor sprinkler system anytime you decide to leave it unlocked and run through the dirt pile you just swept up while you go to grab the dust pan.
Mine has just become addicted to coffee creamer.  If I use it and forget to put it on top of my baker’s rack he steals it, dumps it out and goes in face first.  I found him looking like a laid off extra from the movie Blow
An intervention might be necessary.
He is a stinker.  The problem with having a two year old jerk face is stepping over that mountain of charm and disciplining them.  For every naughty act there is a charming, mischievous smile, big hug and an “I wuv you mommy…” to guard against retribution.  The force is a pain in my ass with this one.
Seriously, we are starting to catch on to most of his games. We are looking forward to feeling less like marionettes in the endless puppet show performance of What Will Levi Watch Today!  He is taking timeouts and learning some manners.  He’s not happy about it but the baby phase of unknowingly being naughty has ended.  It’s about to get real.

2 thoughts on “A Real Jerk

  1. Little C. has done/does all of the above. Every single one. Jason asked me once, “What exactly is 'SHOW'?” We have “Wub” (The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss), “Bah duh Bih-doo” (Bob the Builder), “Brum” and “Boz” (those he can say), “Ham” (Green Eggs & Ham) and then “SHOW”. I'll have to get back to you on what the heck that is.

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