Best of Terms

I suppose it is no secret that me and God…not on the best of terms lately.

I like the Guy actually.  I love His creations, His love and I do believe in Him.  I just don’t understand Him sometimes.  It makes me crazy.  Just when I think I grasp “it”, “it” slips between my fingers again.  I poke holes in my own theories.

I started this year claiming fearlessness.  I wanted to attack my life without fear of failure, expectations or judgment.  I want my faith to be grown in that same manner.  I don’t want to fear getting the wrong answer or asking questions of things I don’t understand.  My God is big enough to handle it.  If I get to heaven and find out He’s upset over my seeking his true face….well, how disappointed will I be?

If we are created in His image and He wants a real relationship with us then He wants honesty.  Besides, He would know I was faking it anyway.  He would know that I was just worshiping Him because I was scared of hell.  He would know I don’t love His righteousness, His compassion and His justice.  He is not Ceaser with his boot on my neck.  He is a loving God who wants us to choose to love Him. That’s what I believe anyway.

Having said that, I’m kind of pissed at Him.  When I am not at awe of how he protected me. I flip flop between gratitude for what I had and raging about what was stolen.

The problem with my waffling is that he has been speaking to me.  Not Joan-of-Arc-burn-me-at-the-stake-speaking.  More like I’m turning the handle on my life and He keep surprising me like a Jack-in-the-Box.

He speaks to me through a cancer survivor who says that she knew she would be fine because God told her and He wouldn’t lie.

He speaks to me through a recovering drug addict who says that she couldn’t manage her life anymore but God is doing a great job since she placed her affairs in His hands.

He speaks to me through a friend who sends me her daily devotions through email.  No sermon.  No questions.  A simple reaching that feels like a warm breeze against my healing heart.  I read the verses on my computer screen because me and God…not on the best of terms these days.  Me and her….we’re good.

I know He loves me.  I know He is patiently waiting for me to find the answers to the questions that plague me.

I know He loves me.

I keep questioning whether He is the God He says He is.  I wonder.  The little girl wonders.

He keeps gentle saying….I Am.

“God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”

~1 John 4:16 

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