I suppose it is no secret that me and God…not on the best of terms lately.
I like the Guy actually. I love His creations, His love and I do believe in Him. I just don’t understand Him sometimes. It makes me crazy. Just when I think I grasp “it”, “it” slips between my fingers again. I poke holes in my own theories.
I started this year claiming fearlessness. I wanted to attack my life without fear of failure, expectations or judgment. I want my faith to be grown in that same manner. I don’t want to fear getting the wrong answer or asking questions of things I don’t understand. My God is big enough to handle it. If I get to heaven and find out He’s upset over my seeking his true face….well, how disappointed will I be?
If we are created in His image and He wants a real relationship with us then He wants honesty. Besides, He would know I was faking it anyway. He would know that I was just worshiping Him because I was scared of hell. He would know I don’t love His righteousness, His compassion and His justice. He is not Ceaser with his boot on my neck. He is a loving God who wants us to choose to love Him. That’s what I believe anyway.
Having said that, I’m kind of pissed at Him. When I am not at awe of how he protected me. I flip flop between gratitude for what I had and raging about what was stolen.
The problem with my waffling is that he has been speaking to me. Not Joan-of-Arc-burn-me-at-the-stake-speaking. More like I’m turning the handle on my life and He keep surprising me like a Jack-in-the-Box.
He speaks to me through a cancer survivor who says that she knew she would be fine because God told her and He wouldn’t lie.
He speaks to me through a recovering drug addict who says that she couldn’t manage her life anymore but God is doing a great job since she placed her affairs in His hands.
He speaks to me through a friend who sends me her daily devotions through email. No sermon. No questions. A simple reaching that feels like a warm breeze against my healing heart. I read the verses on my computer screen because me and God…not on the best of terms these days. Me and her….we’re good.
I know He loves me. I know He is patiently waiting for me to find the answers to the questions that plague me.
I know He loves me.
I keep questioning whether He is the God He says He is. I wonder. The little girl wonders.
He keeps gentle saying….I Am.
“God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”
~1 John 4:16