I have discovered why I do not lead a life of peace and quiet. Peace and quiet are the antithesis of my natural inclinations. For my person to refrain from over scheduling myself to participate in every possibility takes an insane amount of thought and focus. I want to enjoy life. I want to taste and see.
Every year, I watch American Idol. Not the whole season. I watch the
painful hilarious auditions and the start of the competition. I usually tap out once the voting begins. I once watched Simon Cowell criticize a singer for her song choice. She sang the song very well and seemed to enjoy herself so much.
He called her indulgent. I didn’t understand.
He went on to explain that the song was no challenge for her to sing and therefore, not really all that impressive to watch. I never really understood what he meant until this week. I think I have grasped what he was saying. I learned something from Simon Cowell! *gasp*
My life can border on indulgent.
My husband has made the statement that a good time is never enough. I always want the after party, the extra slice of cake …another glass please. My library books are always held hostage – especially if I love the book. I pack my schedule so tight that I slide in under the wire for arrival and my departures are always delayed. I sabotage my own peace with disorganization and distraction.
Right now. You’re thinking this girl is a hot fire mess.
I so am.
I attempted something new this week. A few things actually. Let me prepare you. These are not jaw dropping or death defying in their presentation. Many of you will not be impressed because you already have some semblance of peaceful order in your life.
First, let me say, I hate you.
Second, use your perfection for good and mentor a misfit.
Third, I promise not to hate you so much if you are helpful.
Are you ready to be blown away? Sit down. I don’t want you to fall over when I announce my new barely birthed habits.
I have begun to pray everyday. This for me, takes the form of writing in my journal. I am the most honest when I write and so that puts me in a vulnerable place before God. Everyday. It’s kind of like stepping on the scale every morning to manage my weight. Except, I don’t do that. I’m trying to manage my spiritual side with more thoughtfulness and open communication with God. Okay, okay…so I’ve missed a few days but I’m trying.
|Kitchen Dance Party|
Stop the Noise
I turn off the radio for some peace and quiet. I love music but I never realized how much turning down the noise could calm me too. It also calms the noise level in my home a bit…for a home with three boys. We already have lowered expectations but it has gotten better. I am also trying not to watch TV just because it happens to be on. I am the queen of this one. A TV droning on in the background is an easy, useless distraction.
For the record, I showered daily previous to Lent. However, I indulged in long, luxurious hot showers in the morning that made everyone, including myself, late in the morning. Running out of the house at the last minute, herding children like a sheepdog barking, is not a peaceful start to the day. It was my fault and my children were bearing the brunt. Not fair and not especially pretty to reflect on. It kind of makes me feel awful.
I almost always stay up to late. I wish I could say that I am up doing something like laundry or organizing the linen closet. I am typically up writing, watching tv or reading. None of these things are inherently bad. However, it makes me crabby and sleep deprived in the morning. I am a candle burning at both ends and on the sides. I have started forcing myself to go to bed at 10pm.
I am clearly not a pro in the categories of peace and organization. I have begun to recognize that finding peace is not the right way to approach this forty day mission of mine. Peace is not lost. I didn’t drop it on a bike ride or leave it at the cashier station at the mall.
Peace needs to be chosen.
It hurts my brain but I have begun to pick through my life with an eye for peace. I am checking my schedule and leaving more margins. I am looking at my relationships and opening spaces for people who bring peace with them. I am paying my bills on time and choosing not to spend over my limit so that I can in turn, give more to those who need more than I do anyway.
That’s it. That’s what I have learned this week. I am choosing peace like a river….on the days I don’t choose peace like a white water rapid. A little havoc is okay in small doses. We all have to be indulgent sometimes.