These two are fugitives from the law. They have a wanton disregard for the rules of my home.
Especially the little one, Levi a.k.a. the Mob Boss. He is particularly shifty eyed and crafty. The older one is more like the big guy standing in the corner of the room as “protection”.
Yesterday, I was working from home. The sun was shining and I wanted them to get some fresh air. I set up my computer on the counter next to the back door and while I allowed them to play in our “completely fenced in backyard” these two jerks escaped. They found a weak spot and crawled through like two pokey little puppies.
I found the yard to be exceptionally quiet and when I called for them, they had gone.
Panic. Fear. Chest Pains.
I found two of my neighbors and shamefully asked them to help me find my five year old and two year old.
I started to head towards the park where a gentleman said he saw them heading back towards my house a block down. I wasted no time with killing him in the face for not apprehending my little fugitives and ran like hell to beat them to the next street where they would be undoubtedly ran over by a passing car. (I repeat, panic)
As I ran, I thought…what if he kidnapped them and sent me the other way. (more panic)
I eventually found them about the same time as my neighbor spotted them running through our park headed towards the Grand River. OMG They are going to drown!!!
Just then I noticed a Mailman running full speed ahead. He returned with my Levi in one arm and with Isaac by the hand. I nearly kissed him in the face but I noticed his disdainful you-must-be-a-crackhead-for-losing-your-children look and settled with a “Thank you very much”
I kissed my five year old for staying with his brother. I have told them to always stay together and take care of each other. I then reprimanded him for not coming to tell me the second Levi had escaped instead of following him off the edge of the cliff. I gave the stink eye to my toddler who would never understand my lecture about strangers, drowning, car accidents, serial killers, salmonella or other ramblings of an unreasonably panicked mother…and then I kissed him too.
Thank God for the Mailman. Even if he judged me, he didn’t watch them walk by and do nothing. Judge away but for God sakes, help a mother out!
And as a side note, my neighbors did not think I was the worst mother ever. They thought I was a good mother with a bad fence.