And So I Write

It has begun. 
>>insert foreboding music here<<
I started typing the first chapter at 11 o’clock the other night. The kids had all gone to bed.  My husband announced he was tired and I wandered down the stairs in a bit of a trance.  I never can sleep. 
That is where I decided to start.  The story of why I never sleep.  It is a dark and scary story of the realistic kind.  That is why I have been afraid to write it.  I have been afraid.
I find it humorous, the comments from friends.  How do you do it?  Don’t you ever sleep?
Um, no. Not really.  Not until the point of complete and utter exhaustion.  Not until my body stops asking and starts demanding.
My life story is of the dark and scary kind.  Not all of it.  There is definitely love and light along the way.  The darkness is what I stumble into when I try to explain. 
And so I am scared.
I am scared that people will be cruel…because they can be.  I am worried that I will never finish and people will think I am a failure.  I am scared that no one will be interested in what I have to say.  I am scared that I won’t be brave enough to say everything I need to say.  I am worried that people will think I am weak for “dwelling” on my pain rather than “moving on”.
Even now I am having a difficult time writing this post because of my insecurities. 
Yes.  I do have them.  Surprise!
The hard truth is that there are a lot of abuse victims walking wounded in this world. 

There are more than 39 million survivors of sexual abuse in America.

Those of you who have lived unscathed are just arriving at the party.  You don’t understand.   You don’t know why we don’t just move past it.  You’ve never been so traumatized that you literally feel like the rest of your life will be an out of body experience.  
Many of you who have been victimized may be underestimating the amount of trauma you suffered and how it affected your life.  You are quick to deny or ignore those things in your life that others might call reality in an effort to feel normal.  You hide because vulnerability is the only more dangerous spot in the world than between a mother and her child.
Do you see what we are left with?
We are left with a vicious cycle of avoidance and denial perpetuated by both the walking wounded and those who were fortunate enough to live a life free of abuse.  It’s like we are all standing in an elevator with shit up to our knees and looking upwards for the smell.
Yeah, I don’t know where that one came from either.
We need a come to Jesus moment.  No not a revival.  We need to agree to stop picking up the rug and sweeping people under it. 
This is happening every day. 

Child pornography is one of the fastest growing businesses online, and the content is becoming much worse. In 2008, Internet Watch Foundation found 1,536 individual child abuse domains. (Internet Watch Foundation. Annual Report, 2008).

 ….and that was in 2008. 

Ignoring the effects of sexual abuse ensures that a broken child becomes a broken adult
And so I write.  I explain why I cannot sleep and I hope that we will all find a safe place to lay our heads.
I hope you will read. 

Sincerely,

Tashmica

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