I hate my body.

Not in the My-thighs-rub-together or the I’m-too-fat kind of way.

Perhaps hate is too strong of a word.

I treat my body like a trash can.

That is too strong.

I don’t treat it like a trash can. I mean, do you fill your trash can with fresh mozzarella, red wine and chocolate when you are not pouring coffee, beer and red meat into it?

Didn’t think so.

You eat that stuff. Do you know why?

Because it tastes amazing and makes you feel good.

Unfortunately, good does not always equal healthy.

I don’t do moderation well. I went to the doctor last week. I have gained 10lbs in the past two months. If there were a show called The Biggest Gainer, I would own every contestant and go home with big money. I also had to admit to how many alcoholic drinks I ingest during the week.

Well, I admitted it minus like – half.

He’s a doctor not a priest, yo! I ain’t gotta tell him nothin’.

I also feel gross. I am constantly tired and lack discipline. I drink a glass of water daily. If I am lucky, I can add a few cups of tea to that. I eat out more than I should and I never go for the healthier option. I work out too much for that.

Well, guess what?

I do not work out too much anymore. I bruised a tendon in my knee and can no longer participate in most of our roller derby practices. I probably bruised it when my chocolate, red meat body infused with wine hit the ground too hard. Trust me. It wasn’t the water weight that did me in.

I overeat, over drink, don’t sleep and now, my workout routine is like a lover who is stepping out on me with 50 other women.

I am so jealous it hurts. Every time I bend my knee and it hurts, I am reminded that I still can’t play. I still can’t hit people without the risk of injuring myself further.

And I really like to hit people. It has become my emotional release. Now, I release nothing and eat it all.

So, while away this weekend, I ate it all. The cheesecake, the mozzarella balls, the stir fry and, the pizza. I drank all of the wine and had a couple of beers. I drank tea and coffee too. I realized I was out of control and needed a time out.

So now, I am cleansing for a while. And by “a while”, I mean 35 days.

I consulted with my crazy yoga friend, Emily (crazy good) and she gave me some information on a Ayurvedic cleanse that she did earlier this year. Click here to check it out if you’re curious. Below is week 1.

I already regret the loss of butter and cheese. So far those are the cravings that get my attention. I feel like a love letter to cheese may be coming. That’s how badly I miss it after half of the first day of my 35 day cleanse. Fudge.


I feel gunky. I feel like things are out of control. This is me, hitting the famous reset button. I am listening to what my body needs today. I am open to this lasting two days or forty-five.

I am listening to a body usually ignored and cajoled into eating just one more, or staying up just a bit longer. Rest and reset.

So, please, if you see me on the street, don’t wave a stick of butter in my face or I might charge. You have been warned.

Suffering a cheddar withdrawal,


PS – Have you ever cleansed? Got any helpful tips you’d like to share? Leave a comment.

Week 1 (at least 3-4 days): Pre-cleanse

During this time, eliminate your personal vices from your diet. Cut heavy, congesting foods out of your diet (meat, dairy, wheat, sugar, nuts) and keep snacking to a minimum; let there be 5-6 hours between meals. Oh, and don’t even think about caffeine or alcohol. When the body cleanses., it deserves to relax. No stimulants allowed.

There is a long list of things to incorporate during this time:

  • Add lots of warm water into your diet. Cold water is a shock to your system. Start off the day with warm water with lemon to flush the liver.
  • If digestion is slow, fresh ginger can be eaten.
  • Try to eat more whole, unprocessed foods.
  • 15-30 minutes before a meal, drink a cocktail of 1 tsp apple cider vinegar, 1 tsp honey and 4 ounces of warm water OR a slice of ginger with rock salt and a squeeze of lime juice.
  • begin eating one beet a day, easiest when juiced.
  • sip digestive teas after meals (like chamomile)

You will also need to change your schedule in order to honor your needs while cleansing, whether it be waking up earlier to meditate or making time to practice asana. Begin to also incorporate self-massage (abhyanga) into your routine.

Most important: spend time in silence every day. Be more introverted and set intentions for yourself.


3 thoughts on “Ayur-whatta-cleanse?

  1. I wanted to hit like after almost every sentence til I read the part about waving the stick of butter at you which made laugh hysterically because I got a visual. You are soa funny. Keep it up.
    Oh and I get powdered beets from mountainroseherbs.com and stir it into juice or tea. It’s quicker than juicing or cooking and eating a beet.

  2. Silence? EVERY DAY? Would you recommend I move out or kick out my family? (Kidding. Keep up the good work and let me know how it goes.) :)

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